I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
