On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
