Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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