i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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