it wasn't lemon gatorade
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
