Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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