Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
