Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
time to smoke my breakfast
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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