just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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