I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
