I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I need to sanitize my soul.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
