cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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