The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
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I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
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Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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