Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
