I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Randomize
