my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
