cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
