Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
