so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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