No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
