the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
