They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
