Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
