Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
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