3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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