Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
