im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
