At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
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I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
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Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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