The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
