Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
