I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
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