I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
