His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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