I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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