ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
