FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
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