How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
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