Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
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