It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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