I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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