I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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