I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
