im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Randomize
