Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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