Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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