dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
