anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
