i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
