Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
