I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
my phone needs a breathalizer
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
