I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
