I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
