I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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