I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
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