dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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