By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
