I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
