If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
