I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
